of child abuse.
I have candidly stated on this blog that I suffered traumatic and pervasive child abuse as a boy being raised near the Grand Concourse in The South Western Bronx in the 1950's, 1960's and Early 1970's!
To be sure, I endured PHYSICAL, emotional, intellectual from my parents and through my time in both Catholic and Public Schools of The Bronx. I was indoctrinated , quite often through violence and through the expectation that violence was likely to be visited upon me, to " accept that" , I was less than acceptable, that I was a joke, weird ,retarded, a lose and no one that any one should regard well or be fond of.
I was told that what I liked showed that I was a " baby" or a "clueless fool" as a Gentlemen- I will not record here some of the vulgar and nasty ways that some of those statements were verbally expressed at times. I was taught to look down, be humble, act and tell people that I was unworthy and to not make eye contact.
There was a " Stockholm Syndrome" aspect to all of this. I found that I was trained to believe that those who got me to see myself in this light were " just honest, insightful and blunt speaking people." I also learned that bullies and my parents were willing to willing to use force to : duscipline me" when I argued that I was talented, creative, caring, desireable and talented . I was also " taught" that the fact that I believed they MIGHT be wrong showed how out of touch with reality I OBVIOUSLY was. The fact that I challenged them, was of course, the proof of how bizarre I was again demonstrating myself to be!
I've spoken of and posted how going o Yankee Games as a teen by myself, apart from either of my parents. gave me a place where I could be me as me and not feel ashamed of that. This is why I am a fanatically loyal Yankee fan! Attending an out of the area College- Frostburg State- also helped to get see myself in a more helpful and a more pervasively wise way.
Yet, I also, a folly that I'm asuured that others have fallen into, believed that I could just pretend all of that never happened and live my life without process it and dealing with it. My summer 2003 Nervous Break Down and the arduous to get out from under wreckage that came as a consequence of it have taught me to view this differently.
I learned to believe that people of good will who seem to be invested in my life are the best people to heed and to trust. I learned it is good to celebrate those who do well and to honor their commitment to doing well and living well. I have also learned to be thankful to the people of love and good will in my life and to tell them, again and again, of how I'm blessed by them. I also see the vital importance of affirming what children do well and encourage them to try to expand upon their gifts, abilities and capacities!
I also see how healing it can be to seek mentoring from those who seek for you to become all that it is Possible for you to become. It helps if you are steadfast in your desire to become better, in all ways, than you are now. It also works if you are willing to be patient with yourself when you goof, err, stumble and just act foolishly. That is a part of simply being human.
I know I am a talented, gifted, bright, forward thinking, clever, well-educated and at times, inspring and motivating individual. I know that I am learning to become better and practicing, more and more often, the effective pursuit of becoming a better and more improving man!
- Johnny -
No comments:
Post a Comment