Rod Serling once spoke of His Twilight Zone touching " The summit of man's knowledge AND the depths of his fears."
This Sunday Night, January The Fifth, The official night before The Last Day of The Christmas Season finds me battling to not give in to the depths of my fears.
Tonight, I find myself scared that now that my life is in a great, exciting and long-awaited transition time, That I will let an old haunting enemy derail and demolish my long- worked for hope. I have been prone to collapse due to and surrender to home sickness.
As a boy, I often endured near Dickensian aspects in my life , growing up in an abusive family in the SouthWestern Bronx . When I was 8. I got a chance to spend 2 weeks in a beautiful location in Puerto Rico, I lasted there a week before I cried and moped my way into an early return. At the age of 11, I had a chance to spend 2 weeks in a beautiful Boy Club Camp in a wooded area in Upstate New York , I lasted 6 days .
I see my time as a student attending Western Maryland's Frostburg State as a major positive transition in my life. 6 weeks into my Freshman year, I wrote my parents a 30 page letter asking for permission to come home. They agreed that I should. Fortunately, I tore that letter from them up and chose to stay!
This has happened numerous times in my life. I fear now that this will again be a battle as I move for love, serenity and new opportunities and a fresh sense of mission and purpose to Mount Vernon, Ky, 600 miles from where I sit tonight.
I can imagine battling this old enemy and losing. Losing this chance at love and renewal to wind up returning here, to a place I have seen for years to be a location, that for me, is old, stale, limiting and confining. Greater DC has become a place where a cherished vision/ dream died stillborn ! An area that I've clung to, for too long, out of fear -fueled inertia , if I am to be BRUTALLY honest with myself.
This Time, I've vowed to give both myself and the currents of life a full chance and opportunity. It would be a monumental act of mindless self-sabotage.
Has anyone fought and lost numerous wars with homesickness throughout your life ? How did you finally learn to defeat and vanquish that vile and pernicious adversary ?
- Johnny -
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