Rare Johnny !

Unique, Rare and Special, This seems to be moi. Some may well consider being such as being a benefit and a blessing. Those "such" may indeed be right. I tend to see it as a frustration and something that seems to be too complicated to cope well with!

 I have been told, as I now look at it, through out my life that I am unusual and difficult to understand. Some used the words " odd"  and "weird" to analyze how they saw me! I now view the severe and vile child abuse that was imposed upon me as being my parents way to break the will and shatter the personality of a child they just ABSOLUTELY were not able to comprehend. I seemed to be someone who could not be their child because I seemed nothing like them- someone so OTHER to them that I could not possibly be their child.Somehow, In their uncomprehending warpedness, I was willfully obnoxious and defiant to their authority simply for ever trying, at ANY time , to simply be who I was!

  I was told that " people just don't think the way you do", " You ask far too many questions. That is not good, At some point you need, to be respectful, stop thinking and just be silent. No one cares about what you think." This was true of BOTH my parents and my elementary school teachers. When I was foolish enough to share what I was thinking with my classmates and neighborhood kids, I set myself to be physically bullied and ceaselessly tormented.

 As an adult , E=Harmony told me that " I will be a very difficult challenge- It will be difficult for them to find a match for me!" I was told that My intuitiveness was off the scale.I took this as a part of a vocational program and was told by the analyst of my results that" My results are normally seen in women and gay men and rarely in heterosexual males.' This heterosexual male did NOT know how to respond to this-LOL! A Spiritual Gifts Profile that I recently took indicates that my blend of gifts is most unusual. My Mental Health Therapist has told me that my intelligence, writing and speaking abilities can make me very daunting to work with. I guess I should apologize for that

  During my 20 plus years in Toastmasters, I've often been told that my abilities as an Impromptu Speaker and as a evaluator of other speakers often astounds and amazes people. I'm often told that by parents that their children often tell them, "Johnny is so different, I haven't met an adult like him."- This is said with grins on their faces. At a school that I often served as a Substitute Teacher< I was told by a number of students that " I was their favorite teacher". This fact has amazed other teachers.

 I do often feel that this explains, in part, my isolation and severe struggle to connect! Do I seek out people who will find my su generisness appealing , alluring and desirable? Or, Do I decide to dilute and mute myself, "tone myself wayyyyyyyy down" and do what ever is need to blend in. These debates do OFTEN keep me up late and night and easily disrupt my efforts to sleep!