The 18 Month Prime Directive

 " I don't really know who I am and what I want. I find myself confusing and frustrating . I truly do not get why people like me and find me appealing", These are scary things for a person to admit. How does one live for 56 years and have this be true about him. Yet, Over the course of 2011, All of these things have become most self-evident to me!

 I know that this is, in many ways, the tale of my life. I've known for years that be beatings, intimidation, bullying, blustering and insult my parents decided to erase my personality and re-shape me into someone they could , effortlessly, control, dominate and manipulate, I'm an extrovert, yet I often behave, especially under stress as if I am an intimidated introvert. I'm a gifted public speaker and I was told that speaking was a stupid and useless skill that only  foolish women would think to be of any value. I'm very curious and an explorer and I was taught that this was proof that I had no grounding and was incapable of being serious!

 I find that , as an adult, that I'm far too easily frustrated, too easily " thrown off my game". I've dealt with far more than my share of bullies. I think I've allowed myself to be constrained and confined for far too long rather than  pushing myself to be confidently, daringly and- simply- just fully me!

 Therefore, I'm now in the planning stages for something that I'm Now calling " The 18 Month Prime Directive". the idea is to rip out the wiring of false programming and the far too numerous false adaptations that I chose to create, establish and maintain to keep myself being a person who just should have never been! My plan, because I was told this will take time, attention to detail , imagination, vision, determination and stubbornness to pull this off, is to work on re-engineering myself properly, wisely and thoughtfully over a period of 18 month from 1 October,2011 to 1 April 2013!

 I am working on designing the program through my Church, Grace Community Church of Arlington, Va. I  will have a mentor and a 3 person Board to supervise this program. I will have input, of course, and serve as a designer but I dare not totally dictate all that I need to do and all that I need to add as well as subtract for my life. I know that I need to say no seldomly during this process and- perhaps- not at all!

 The beginning months of this program will be the most critical. The themes for the First 4 months are- October - Being more Positive and Enthusiastic, November - Discovering Why people like me- What specifically is it about me that they find appealing. December - Generosity and Giving and January - Newness and transitions. There will be goals that I must accomplish  each month. I will have homework and assignments that I need to do. There are currently 2 months before the launch date- my prime work - right now is to decide as to who I'd like to serve as The Mentor and The 3 Directors. One Director has been identified and he has already agreed. to help me by serving - Thank You, Derek! I need to find people who will be willing to deal with me toughly because they are genuinely fond of me and want their friend to live and function at his optimum best or a reliable and dependable basis.

 If you have any great ideas on how I should best proceed- some ideas on things that I should pursue on this quest- Please let me know. Know, however, that the one idea that I will reject is - " Don't do this!!!"- LOL!

  - Johnny -