In a Few hours, It will be Saturday , October 1st here in The Eastern United States. You've long heard me state that a Johnnyssance is soon to be underway. I committed myself to start what I'm calling " The 18 Month Prime Direction" an effort that will allow me to live well, to be more confident and to allow me to truly enjoy being me- providing me a chance to live better and also become MORE of a blessing and benefit to others!
My mother wanted to be a mother in the worst way and chose a man she wound up totally loathing. This was a man who had zero respect for women. He was a proud Hispanic man and he married a woman who found Hispanics and Blacks and most other no white people beneath her! She planned to "Americanize " him- this effort was never to be a realistic option.
Neither parent found me to be acceptable. My dad wanted a son who would be quiet, obedient and subservient. He also wanted a son who would be irresistible to the women. He was sent a bright, creative, talkative, questioning and curious child. He loathed my abilities in public speaking. He often labelled me as being weak and " acting like a girl"!
My mother saw me as not tough and ready to be bold enough. She told me that " I was not good enough to be the child she'd long waited for". Both parents by beating, scolding and insults sought to crush and erase my personality and my very identity.
I fought them and suffered child abuse due to my resistance. In spite of my defiance, Some of their " rebuilding" took- even as a child I noticed many things about me that confused, distressed and alarmed me- things that I KNEW were not me!!!!
I grew up cowed and easily intimidated and I was very prone to being bullied and often have been bullied and subjected to intimidation. I 've often been mocked and dismissed. I found myself confusing, alarming and simply a troubling mystery.
I've lived my adult life largely this way. . I decided , 2 and a half months ago, while on a Mission's Trip to Mexico that I had to do something that would have me find out who I truly am, what I'm capable of and then opt to live that way!
I spoke to my pastor and while he lauded my desire, he warned me that to succeed I'd need to be patient and be devoted to pursuing an intense and demanding long term commitment to gain the results I desire.
There fore, With the help of a mentor and a 3 person board, I will strip way and banish from me what is not Johnny and I will learn exactly who I am! I will learn how to operate, over time with panache, poise and elan! I will work so that on April First , 2013, I will be someone I will enjoy being.
This all starts in a few hours. My goal for October 2011 is to be more positive and to learn how to relax and enjoy being positive! My Goal for November- My Birthday Month- is to learn that people like me and why they like me. I want to understand what people find appealing, likable and desirable about me. People have thought it amusing but , at present, I REALLY!!!! do not get why people wish to befriend me, and enjoy me. I don't get what they can gain from me and how they can benefit from knowing me. To me, at present, This is genuinely an unfathomable mystery!
- Johnny-
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