27 years ago, A movie about a girl who worked in a steel making plant in Pittsburgh as a welder. She is also a dancer at a bar.The young lady's name is Alex and she has a dream to gain admission to a prestigious school of Classical Dance in the Steel City!
This young lady was played by Jennifer Beals - and a dancing double- and the dancing in the movie is charismatic and transfixing! Most people remember this movie by a 4 minute snippet of Alex dancing backed by the playing of Micheal Sembello's "Maniac".
Maniac applies to the energy and intensity that Alex applies as she pushes herself as a dancer.It also is connected to the opinions that others hold that Alex would need to be "insane"- truly a MANIAC-to believe that she can become a Top Classical Dancer.
A large part of MY personal story is that I've known since my earliest days that I am a very blessed person- markedly gifted and talented. In my earliest years, I dealt with many people who seemed to passionate believe that I needed to be freed of my "mania". I was told that I should live just like anyone else- the paradigm being , " There are Billions of people on the Earth, and you are simply ONE of them!"
Child Abuse at home and bullies in the neighborhood and at school made me seem indeed lacking in sanity for wanting a full, interesting, dynamic and abundant life. For years, I lived my life as if it was on a split-screen- I'd see the life I wanted to have and the life I lived on a day- to day basis and my "real life" seemed to be too debouched and meager to be acceptable as MY!!! life.
I made a poor decision to try to deny my childhood and to live as if it never occurred. Yet,burying it did not mean it vanished!It appeared, throughout my life as " acting out behaviors" that served me poorly and alienated me from people. I, then, fell into the myth- indeed a self-nurtured myth- that having a nervous break down, being homeless and currently living via SSI and SSDI and live in Public Provided housing means my hopes for a better life are dead!
Yet, I'm currently pushing myself harder as a Public Speaker through Toastmasters and as a writer largely through these blogs! I have friends telling me that I can be a Professional Speaker and that I ought to consider
writing a book. Do I believe that I can do these things- that is FUNDAMENTALLY within my ability- to accomplish this? Yes, I do!!!! Do I have the tenacity and temperament and resolute purpose to bring this to pass? I!!! JUST!!! DO!!! NOT!!! KNOW!!!
So, I need to look within myself and see if there is an "Alex Aspect" within my personality! I know that I will be told it is all within and about me! I'm not 100% sure that I believe this to be THE case! The brilliance of A Kobe Bryant and a LeBron James really was fueled by Nike! They both were fueled by a " I want to be like Mike! " Paradigm.
So, The Bronx and The Abuse and a Fear- Dominated Adulthood are the dark ominous-appearing clouds as I strive for the brilliant skies of the tomorrow I want. So, In these last days of 2010, I keep asking myself these questions - 1. Do I really have the ability? 2. Do I want a truly better life? 3. Am I going to be able to endure what I need to endure to get there? 4.Will what I gain provide me enough to be worthy of all of the struggle?
So, I am in need, it seems, of becoming a MANIAC!
- Johnny -
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